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2004-09-26 - 8:16 a.m.
I still think of him. I still think of the times we shared. And even though he's a million miles away, sometimes it feels like he's right beside me (or maybe down the street... and I hope to run into him...).
I've hurt another man. Unintentionally (of course, who sets out to do those things??), but still, I hurt a man. I felt that I was honest throughout... I was only in Rakitovo for 3 months, then I would be gone, and no long distance relationship. I said right away that the lack of language between us may become a problem. And though I have learned a considerable amount of Bulgarian and he even picked up a bit of English, AND we had an interpreter most of the time, still there were problems... He seemed to get a little too attached a little too quickly and I told him (through an interpreter of course) that I didn't want a serious relationship (I didn't specify serious feelings, but I thought it was included, my bad...). He agreet (but didn't want to) and said it wasn't a problem. But he got upset after having to meet my host family (and having a very negative encounter with Mamo), feeling that they were very judgemental of him (even though I explained to him that Daphie said only nice things of him). I became rather quiet, not knowing how to comfort him in Bulgarian (hugs didn't seem to help...), and when I thought things were ok again, he would get upset about other things which I thought were very frivolous. I thought I had an exam on a wed. and said I wouldn't go out tues. Turned out the exam was on thurs. and I could go out tues. I went to the internet club where he works, he wasn't there. I don't have a cell, and I'm not going to use my host family's phone (it's very expensive and I explained this to him already). Katina's phone wasn't working, so there was no way of getting ahold of him to have him meet us. When we finally were able to get ahold of him through a mutual friend, he became angry, saying I had lied to him about not going out. Sheesh.
The next day he was angry and called katina an animal and said he was going to smack her. He was SO angry, and at the time I couldn't understand why (he wouldn't tell me). He was jealous that Katina and I had become friends when he only invited her along to interpret. He thought she was trying to take me away from him (since when am I a possession??). I told him that it wasn't her fault, that I felt weird around him because for the last 3 weeks he was constantly upset (nearly every night, for some amount of time...) and I'm to the point where I hope I don't see him.
So I told him I wanted to break up. And he got mad. And called me a cold person made of stone. He said I was a waste of 2 months of his life (even though it wasn't 2 months yet..) and went berserk. He threw a plastic lawn chair across the yard at the cafe, and I'm really ashamed to admit this, but I cried. I'm ashamed because I don't know why I cried, if it was because he said really hurtful things to me, show him that I am able to demonstrate emotion and am not a stone, or to simply make him feel bad for saying horrible things and throwing the chair (which didn't scare me a bit...). He apologized and said he wanted another chance. yeah right. It was the second time I'd seen him get almost violent, and when I thought it couldn't get worse, it did. He wanted to walk me home one last time. I said no, and Katina said that he would follow me home, even if I didn't want him to, and that he would walk 1 meter behind me. I said he better not say anything to me (yeah right...) and he agreed. Halfway home it started.... and when I told him in bulgarian to not speak to me, it did it more. I ignored him and walked faster. He came up behind me and actually grabbed me from behind. We struggled for probably 30 seconds, and with all the bulgarian gone from my mind, I started screaming in English at him to let me go, to stop, etc... mind you I am in a VERY small town with unpaved roads and no streetlights, where the neighbors would definately hear a girl screaming for one, and in english no less. He realized this and let me go. My hair was actually tousled. I walked away really fast, and instantly he started again, "PLEASE, PLEASE". I forgot how to say it in Bulgarian, so very loudly I simply said,
"FUCK OFF!" and he did.
This was thursday. And I saw him yesterday again. And we didn't talk. And I couldn't be happier about it.
But at the same time, I'm still me, and I feel badly that I've hurt another.
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